You Really Plan to Drink That?

So one of my things to do this year is keep people from always drinking wheat beer (hefeweizen, weiss, hefe, bunchaotherspellingsingerman.) Let's go ahead and cross that one off the list.

Five Reasons Not to Drink Wheat Beer all Damn Year

-The glass. You look like a real no-nonsense kind of idiot carrying this around.

Carry this around and there will be no nonsense, idiot.

Incidentally, have you ever tried hand-washing a hefe glass? It's like going fist-deep into the mutual destruction of shattering glass and lacerated wrists.

- Wheat beer simply does not go with every type of food. Enjoy that tuna salad sandwich, because it's about the only thing you can while gulping down your orange slice-laden cloudy beer.

Steak? Stew? Human flesh cut directly from the spit? You're going to need something with a bit more oomph for all of these if you want your beer to pair. This is a great beer for braising a human thigh.

-Way back (in the day) wheat was rationed (death panels!) for brewing, because so many people wanted wheat beer that there was a shortage on bread. Think about that for a second. We almost starved to death because we couldn't get enough Blue Moon.

Not pictured: craft beer.

-I got your sister drunk one night on Franziskaner... and now the connection will make you barf.

-There are so many different styles of beer. This is probably the best reason.

So what if hefeweiss is your favorite style of beer; I'm sure there are others that can satisfy your mis. Didn't your dad drink Budweiser all his life? Didn't you swear to "get off this goddam plot of earth he's always tilling, and experience life."

Then do it.